2 Love Or Not 2 Love

Okay I've been trying so hard to make sure i stay focused on myself and really make it ALL ABOUT ME. but now I'm feeling the urge to get my MO JO back and start back looking for a nice, sexy guy(male species) to be in my life. But the problem with that is that i have a bad habit of #1 choosing the wrong man, i always tried to find someone who would accept me for who i am and now it's also for what I'm going to become!

My EX(last serious relationship) was not very supportive of me losing more than 50lbs and was the main reason i put off the Lap-Band for 3 yrs in the first place. He was also a true fan of Larger Women and accepted me and loved me as long as i was appealing to him.. HEAVY.
Well after gaining back focus of myself i knew we had no future together because i had no control over how much i would lose if i got the Lap-Band and wanted to lose more than 50lbs. So i cut HIS loses and continued on my way, feeling that i had wasted enough time already and it made no sense to be in denial about it any longer. everyone after that was nothing serious...
#2 when i do find someone i tend to slowly lose focus of making it about myself and it turns to being about the other person. not that i should be the Queen Bitch In Charge and it's ME, ME, ME well yeah i take that back it should be..lol but not only that, being that i know how i am i know that my focus, goal and schedule will change and it will end up with me going out more eating out more and less visits to the gym. i guess you can say i don't know how to balance it out as far as my needs and their needs and will be very easily distracted, I am a Quality Time junkie THERE I SAID IT !

Damn it is so much easier being single, you only have to worry about YOU and making sure YOU are Happy. i though about waiting until i get to where i need and want to be before i start searching, that way my goals will already be set in motion and there wouldn't be any distractions. and then there is also that thought of why i just can't find someone now and learn to keep that balance as i continue on my journey ???? so now i think i'm ready again for something serious. maybe about 80% sure, the other 20% is saying wait and enjoy the single life and see if i will be able to handle the new attention i'll be getting from my journey. i definately don't want to get mine or anyone else's feeling tied up if it's just going to be about having fun.


WORDS TO LIVE BY/MY 2009 MOTTO : LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING ON THE STORM TO PASS, ITS' ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN !

A Change Is Coming

Welcome To 2009 everybody, and hopefully it has gotten off to a good start for you. my Holidays were good and I'm hoping The New Year bring great things for me. I didn't make any RESOLUTIONS because i never keep them, and to me they are just as worst as Diets..lol you always mess then up and try to start over the next day. Right now i feel like I'm stuck and my weight lost has either slowed down drastically or came to a complete halt. which means either 1 of 2 things, i need to get my 3rd fill (Jan. 19th) or i need to exercise every day instead of every other day. it's starting to get very frustrating seeing others who have had surgery around the same time as me being at 40lbs lost and I'm stuck at the same 28- 29lbs. Although i know everybody is different and will lose at a different rate I'm ready to be different also. Okay a light bulb has just went off in my head and i also think that i am being too aggressive with the weights at the gym, and from what everybody is telling me I'm turning fat into muscle and mass weigh more. i have a HUGE fear that when i lose the weight my body will not bounce back and i will be left with an entirely different issue with my body. I've been told that i should just walk right now and worry about toning later, but once again i feel the need to be aggressive with it. I appreciate all the positive comments and the "You're doing Good" feed back that i get from all my supporters, but i feel the need to be aggressive with this and not get comfortable and start to relax with it. i think the Slow N Steady has gotten on my nerves and I'm ready for a big change or at least a steady change. so right now things that i plan on changing or implementing into my daily life :

* Always Put My Self First

* Smile More(I'm Always In My Own World Thinking About Something and Seem to Have Weird Face Expressions)

* Keep My Head Up When Walking( i always look down at the ground)

* Go Out More (Can't Find Anyone, If They Don't Know I Exist)

* Maintain A Healthy Balance Between Work And Play

* Just Be A Better Person All Together (I'm Not A Morning Person(UGHH) and Remain Quiet Around People At Work Until After 8am(when my brain is working properly)..lol)

Encouraging Word for Today is : I'D RATHER FAIL IN ORIGINALITY THAN TO SUCCEED IN IMAGINATION. meaning it is what it is and i'd rather FACE the facts and be REAL and ACCEPT things for what they are, instead of trying to FOOL myself for the feeling of COMFORT and not wanting to CONFRONT the issue.