Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Roads Yet 2 Travel, Trails 2 Leave

Just wanted to pop in and say Happy Holidays to everyone and leave some encouraging words behind. Today marks 2 months for me since I've had my surgery. I've had my 2ND fill and so far, it's been good. i have not started eating yet( Christmas Day) but can feel restriction even with drinking, so i hope this one did it(UNTIL NEXT MONTH)if not I'll be back. i am now up to 3.2cc in my 14cc band. I'm very anxious to see down which roads me and this band will travel next year and feel very excited and blessed to even be able to have it. I've came to accept that this is a learning process and it will take time, and that not all days will be good days. I've learned how to put it aside and pick back up the next day and try it over again. The fact of the matter is that..PERFECT GIRLS AREN'T REAL, AND REAL GIRLS AREN'T PERFECTand that's just how it is ! I've came a long way but yet still have a long way to go, and i have nothing but time because this is my year and IT'S ALL ABOUT ME ! MUUAH Have A Happy Holidays everybody,Let's Show'em How It's Suppose To Be Done !

Pink leaves

Monday, December 22, 2008

2nd Fill

Well today is the day i get my 2nd fill and I'm hoping it will do the trick. it's perfect timing right before Christmas so i will not be able to over do it if i wanted to. Christmas will be when I'm able to go back to food( the test). i know they say just because you can get it down,it don't mean you should. but really now ! are you serious ? i am the size i am now because i have pushed the limit and tested the boundries. so that is easier said than done and will change with time. the truth of the matter is that i find myself even testing my band to see how much i can eat, and what it will take to make me reach my FULL status. i feel like that's what the Fills are for "RESTRICTION". i finally came out of denial and bought new under garments, the other ones were not doing the trick anymore. i went from a size 48(sports bra) to a size 44 now they are holding up every thing back right and tight! and they are so darn comfortable at all
well will we see how this 2nd fill turns out on Christmas but for now it'll be back to liquids until then. i did lose another 3lbs but it's those same damn 2-3lbs I've been going back and forth with for about 2 weeks now, so hopefully they are gone for good now and i can add something to that.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Keeping The Faith !


So it's been 2 weeks since my 1st fill and just when i was ready to say i need another fill something changed with my band. I've been trying to get the feel for this thing and at least try to learn it, although i know it's going to change at times. I'm going about my normal day as i usually do and i have a protein shake at 8am for my morning break as i have many times before. it usually keeps me full up until around lunch time so i also brought a lunch to work, but to my surprise i was still full (as a tick)at lunch time and past lunch time. i was not hungry so i tried to at least drink something and remained full through out the entire day until around 5pm. i was so shocked and don't understand what happen, i felt like i was able to drink more of the protein shake but what i did drink kept me full the entire day. i also wasn't hungry the next day until around noon time ! i have my next Dr.Apt 12-29 and felt like i should wait until that date before requesting another fill. that will give me time to figure out what this band is doing and how much of my eating schedule has changed. I'm slowly getting over these learning steps as i go and still feel pretty damn good about being banded. i have faith and believe in myself that I'll get the lbs moving again. it took years to pack them on so i know they are not going any where in a months time !!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Slow N Steady !

It's been 1 Month, 2 Weeks, and 2 Days since surgery and i am finding out all about that Slow N Steady thing, or at least i think i do! although i have not had anything get stuck yet i do still need to work on my chewing speed. it seems that my band has loosened up since i first had it filled, i find myself getting more down. i did'nt think i would need another fill this soon but i guess i don't know much epecially since i don't feel like i've lost much weight since the 1st fill.So that's why i leave it up to the Doctors huh! So my next fill may be 12-29-08(my next Dr. Apt). It must be in inches, which is also good. i'll take inches,lbs,ounces, what well i finally went through my closet and pulled out all those clothes that i thought i would get back to but have'nt. and now they will be too big even if i did get back to them. it was hard letting them go although i'm not sure why i kept them, so type of comfort they gave my closet i guess. being that most overweight people purchase their clothes a little bigger than their actual size, i'm now left with clothes that are huge. i never really knew that 30lbs would make such a big difference in the way my clothes fit me. a little too big is okay but not huge because then i'll really look sloppy. so now i have to figure out what size i am this month and decide on if i want to wait or should i just start buying new clothes to get me through right now ???

Friday, December 5, 2008

I Can Do It !

Well I'm making it through this 1 day at a time, it still blows me away at how much or should i say how less of food it takes to make me feel full. it's almost as if my mind is saying you're full but my eyes can't believe it. i must say it's amazing and i love it, everyday i really appreciate it more and more. i really wish i would of had this done years ago! i would have never thought that i would be able to put on my pants with them already buttoned and zipped up. it's so different and really an adjustment in size, i feel like i have a good work-out plan and really feel great when i leave the gym. i feel like a Biggest Loser Contestant doing a last minute work-out ! they are a tru inpiration to me and gives me hope that my body(skin) will also bounce back !


I'm Working It Out !

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

1st Fill

So i made it through Thanksgiving with out gaining any it was close, i even lost 2lbs. me taking off my shoes must of been the 2lbs, but it is what it is and I'll take that 2lb lost. i had my very first fill yesterday and despite what i thought i would experience or what i heard about it, it actually went very smooth. I'm really blessed to have a great doctor, it maybe took all of 5mins and was not painful at all. i did feel the feeling in my chest and was able to let him know when it was too tight, i think i have a good restriction. I'm on liquids for 48hrs and then after that I'll have to test it out with food and see and experience what everyone else talks about. it's time to talk the talk and walk the walk now. I'm very excited and motivated now, I'm ready to make that scale move again the way it did before. although I'll take slow and steady, I'll even take a stand still as long as it doesn't go back up too much I'll be satisfied . so i have 1.9cc in a 14cc band and i go back for my next fill after Christmas. One thing I'm excited about but was not ready for was my all of my pants falling off me, that is still a shock to me even now. i have an outfit that i was planning to wear for Christmas but now I'm not sure if it will even stay up on me! wow i wasn't prepared to go shopping for clothes right now, especially with my weight not being stable and will probably change again in another month. Amazing !

Monday, December 1, 2008

Made It Through Thanksgiving..

Okay so I've made it through Thanksgiving Weekend and didn't do too bad. I've managed to eat everything i wanted and was able to stay at the same weight or somewhere around it. My 1st fill is today and I'm ready for it, I'm ready to not be able to get down some foods because i feel as if some times i lose control. i need that restriction to say stop when i feel i can't. i have already decided to go ahead and enjoy this Holiday and get the fill and start over fresh, pick back up where i left off! put the past behind me and move forward as a bandster starting today. I'm tired of making excuses to eat things i shouldn't have, such as" eat now because when i get filled it's over". if there is two things i hate more it's needles and throwing up, the needle part i can handle but the throwing up part is unacceptable especially if it's not necessary. So I'm ready for this fill and I'm ready for where this band can take me, so i say "Let it Begin".

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Is This Bandster Hell ???

Is This Bandster Hell ??? This is week 5 post-op and it's starting to get a little ruff and shaky, it's really hard to stay on track and keep it all together the way you should. Especially with the Holidays coming and being able to eat solid foods again. Since I've been back to work it's been hard to make it to the gym or do my 45min walks like i use to. Also going back on solid foods is really tempting because it has once again satisfied those cravings that i use to have before. that satisfaction of just chewing something. I'm sure I've gained back a few lbs. hopefully it won't be too many by the time i get my 1st fill on Dec. 1st. I think I'm stuck in what they call "Bandster Hell' right now, where you can have solids but have not had a fill yet so you don't really have that restriction feeling. And i basically feel like i can eat the way i did before i was banded, but maybe a little less , and that to me is scary! I'm trying not to lose focus, I've really noticed how my clothes fit me now and actually i like the fact that my pants will fall off me if i don't wear a I like the feeling that i had to pull out some of my previous too small garments to keep it all up and that's one thing that makes me excited everyday, and to know that I'm still in the beginning and haven't even begun to lose the way i know i can with this band. WOW, WOW, WOW,At the end of the day I'm just Fascinated !

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Support Group ???

It's about 2 weeks post op and everything seem to be going okay. I'm down a total of 28lbs despite the hard days where i have cheated, and what i mean by cheating is moving myself up to mushies before the Dr. or the paper say i should be on mushies. the swelling is down or gone and the hunger pains are there, so I've had low fat yogurt, cheese, grits and eggs,etc. but i still don't think it's bad. not to make excuses but compared to some of the stories I've heard about not even having to do a liquid diet post -op, it's not bad at all ! i went to my very first support group meeting yesterday and I'm still trying to decide if it's for me or if it will help me at all. it definitely was not what i expected because they did not talk about the everyday issues of a bandster, but instead went over an article about what's in front of you and what do you feel and see? yeah i was like wow,are you serious ? but unlike some people i did stay to at least give it a chance. i will go to one more that is supposedly different and then i will make my decision on it ! i don't think i need the whole counseling session, I've already figured out why i eat (out of boredom)and really thought i was going to hear about every body's ups and downs or their stories. and although i felt the warm feeling of support from the group and could relate to what they had been through and knew they could to what i have been through , it just wasn't talked about.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Just Being Thankful !

I'm 11 days post -op and I'm feeling pretty good, i must say that although it's been hard and some very trying times i feel blessed and very thankful ! thankful that all my incisions are healing well and there is no infection, thankful that so far my body has not rejected the band. i have saw some pics and have read some threads that will make you just run and hide. I am truly Blessed right now and GOD knows it has been a hard road coming and still is both financially and mentally. but I'm counting my blessing right now because he has gotten me through and continue to make a way for me when it don't seem like it will be one ! I'm on week 2 of post-op liquids and it's starting to get hard as the mushie week peeks from around the corner. I've already had 2 tablespoons of mashed potatoes and to satisfy me mentally i chopped up 1 chicken nugget also. and when i heard of someone else i know being able to eat a cheeseburger after surgery i can clearly see how they did it, it's really no restriction before your 1st fill. and i can sort of understand why also, except my brain pulls back before going that far ! I've been through too much pain to sabotage my own surgery, plus i want to at least give my stomach the chance to heal properly first... like i said " I'll Always Have The Heart N Soul of a Big Gurl no matter how much smaller i get !

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Officially A Bandit Now

Well I'm finally on the other side (post op ), Dammit I Made it ! other than the usual soreness i fell good, glad that part is over and glad to be home. never thought it would feel soo damn good just to be able to finally take a real Now that i have climbed over those stepping stones I'm ready for the next one. ready for the bandages to come off now and everything to heal up. Right now I'm just trying to recognize the different rumbles and growling going on in my stomach. and making sure i can feel the fullness feeling and not mistake one feeling for something else. and soon as i get situated I'm going to watch my entire surgery on the DVD i requested(Priceless) !

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Finally !!!!

Tomorrow is My Big Day and The anticipation has finally caught up with me and set in. i will be reporting to Palms of Pasadena @ 7:30 and Surgery is scheduled for around 10am. for the most part it's the last minute run around and making sure all paperwork was fax to whom ever it was suppose to reach by now, is driving me crazy more than anything. I don't feel like i should have to check behind people , but i guess if i want it covered and want to get paid while I'm out i gotta do it ! So Far I'm down 11lbs (woo-hooo) GO ME and couldn't of been happier with just that alone. I've never loss 11lbs in 12 days ever , and then to think that it will be staying off with more to come behind it is just fabulous i tell you !! well my bags are packed and i have all my gear for when i get home. I've picked up all meds. and took out all my piercings(including my facial two). I've meet with the surgeon and asked all my questions and to my surprise i will also be getting this keloid removed from my ear !! i asked if he could inject steroids into my incision to reduce the chance of them growing . and also asked in a joking manner can he remove the one from my ear while i was under and he said YES !! oh wow this is gonna be soooooooooo emotional. I'm getting the NEW -NEW for real !

Monday, October 20, 2008

Day 10 Liquid Diet/Surgery Friday !

Wow it's day 10 of the liquid diet with Friday being the day i go in. i really don't think it has hit me yet and although i have saw several before and after pictures, i still can't get my head around the fact that that's going to be ME also SOON ! I'm just ready to go through it and start this journey, i really wish i could fast forward it to maybe 3months post-op. that will be a nice spot to be at, or at least i think so. all the band aids are off,no more gas pains, you're back to work, have worked your way up past mushies and have probably had several fills by now. okay let me snap back to reality well the optifast isn't bad it taste like a shake, it's just those darn urges to have some meat or something. i've already detached myself from food and as long as my stomach don't growl I'm GOOD ! I've started back at the gym and can do an hour there easily between the treadmill,bike and weights. i think that takes my mind off of food the most, just staying busy and away from the TV. i think I'm strong enough to sit around people eating and smell food and pass it up. hell at this point my body has been without carbs and sugar for this long until it'll only make me sick anyways and i still won't be satisfied.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Day 5 Liquid Diet

Well it's Day 5 of the Liquid Diet and it's getting better as it goes along. but there is nothing, i repeat NOTHING that will stop the urge or craving from wanting food, meat or something, anything. it's better for me at work because my mind is busy and at my break and lunch times i quickly leave the building (so i won't smell other employees heating up their food in the cafeteria) and i walk twice around the entire building and parking lot. i even have a walk buddy that makes it easier also. i did cheat yesterday and had a can of chicken noodle soup, my i must be honest and say i never thought it taste so good. i just hope i didn't mess up anything and my liver will be shrunk by surgery date. i felt like if i was going to cheat with something that wasn't that bad being that it wasn't a full meal or a heavy one. so we are coming to the hardest part of the week, the weekend ! i was told not to do a full,hard down workout while on Optifast because i don't really have fuel in me and may pass out.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Day 2 Liquid Diet

Well I'm on Day 2 of the liquid diet, i must say that Day 1 started out very ruff and i wanted some food sooooooo bad. i had a headache and my stomach was a little sick for the first part of the morning. after a little while i was okay and felt better. Day 2 is a little better and for the most part as long as my stomach doesn't growl I'm cool ! that is the worst feeling(growling) ever and kind of hard to ignore, so as long as i can stop that I'm good. i have the jello, sugar free ice pops, and crystal light for in between. I'm sure by the end of two weeks i will be so sick and tired of the Optifast taste until I'll probably never want to have another ever again. I must say to anyone who feel like weight loss surgery is taking the easy way out are soo far off until it's not even funny. they have no idea how much harder this is mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm going to take it one day at a time and try to remain strong through it all, 2 weeks will be up before i know it and then i'll move on to the next stepping stone. keeping in my mind at all times that this is very necessary!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Heart N Soul


17 days to go before LapBand Surgery and I'm already nervous, excited, scarred, ready,anxious..everything all in one. i swear by the time this is over with I'll need some type of anxiety medication. I will be starting my 2week pre-op diet this Friday Oct.10Th or should i say Oct.11Th, being that the 10Th is my Birthday, and for the 1st time I'll actually be celebrating it ! WOW, Go-Me ! putting endings to allot and welcoming of others. No Longer Comfortable with being Fat And Fabulous after it turned into Fat and Type II Diabetic, The Fabulous part went out the window !!This has been a very Emotional Journey for me that has brought up emotions from deep within that i didn't realize where even there. It's Like i will finally have the chance to have my outside match my inside. I will finally be able to shed this body that has held me back from so much, Due to the world's view of over weight people this is a body that has endured a hell of allot of Rejections, Stares, Discrimination, and Judgement.A body that has hid and sheltered my real soul for years, in all honesty i guess you can say i hid behind it ! I haven't even been able to wrap my mind around how great this can work for me or how much potential i have with this. I have Lived, Breathed, Slept LapBand every since i was approved, i have read up on everything about it and found myself blown away from other's before and after pics. trying to imagine what I'll look like 25lbs lighter is very hard not to mention 100lbs lighter. I can finally say "screw you"(and a few other choice words) to all those people who felt like all you have to do is push back from the table ! I'm taking control of My Health,My Life, And My Future .