Heart N Soul Of A Big Gurl: 2009

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Picture Perfect

WELL, WELL, WELL folks i have finally made my way down under 240lbs. 239lbs to be exact and yep I'm counting every lb., for those of you that are still Touring with me i should have more Tour Dates Posted soon. I've traveled through the "STATE OF EMOTIONS" and think the next show will be in the "STATE OF LOVE", YEAH I SAID IT and that applies to SASHA(my band) and someone of the "MALE SPECIES"(which is an entirely different blog)but any who. i just wanted to continue on the subject of "PICTURES", those dreadful things that we all try to avoid and run from. i was speaking about this to someone on LapBandTalk.com and how i did not have many old pics that showed my entire body. i think i have 100 of just my top half though and wasn't always pleased with those. I've came along way from where i was and had to learn how to accept what i can't change and just love me for who i am and the way that i am. this is one journey that you can't rewind and i wanted to make sure i captured every moment of it to look back on. i have became okay with the camera and taking pictures, although we still have some things to work out in our relationship as far as getting my good side...lol the truth of the matter is that PICTURES DON'T LIE ! plain and simple, it is what it is. what you see is what you get and i think that's hard to take sometime.

Before Surgery Feb. 08
when i got my Monroe piercing
280lbs

After Surgery 5 months post -op
4-10-09
242lbs

but never the less pictures are important, it wasn't until i placed these two pictures side by side that i finally saw what everyone else saw and was telling me. they were saying your face is so small now and i would look in the mirror and wouldn't see anything but ME. i noticed it in my clothes but my brain and the mirror was not connecting quite right because i didn't see the changes on myself. it was these same two pictures that brought me to tears because i could not believe that i was that heavy and thought it was okay. everyone always pass by me now and tell me how good i look and how well I'm doing and i say " THANK YOU". but i really want to ask them why they never saw how BIG i was getting and say something about that ? i mean come on they had to of noticed it! .. lol no family or friends didn't slap any food out of my hand or say you're pushing it! it's my fault 100% and I'm not placing blame and glad to have the support and encouragement now that i am on board, but DAMN i let myself go like that and y'all ass couldn't have an intervention or nothing...lmao !!

so all in all i will say that i am blessed, NO I'm not as far as some that had surgery around my same date. No I'm not pleased with the flab on my arms or that my bottom half is smaller than my top..lol and yes i do fall off the wagon and have ice cream, and No i don't make it to exercise every single day. truthfully and honestly speaking when have women been completely satisfied with their bodies ? we always say if i can just get a breast lift or maybe if i could just have a tummy tuck, and them after that we are not satisfied with something else.
does it really matter ? I'm learning that as long as you can love yourself it will show on the outside to others in your mood, personality and the way you carry yourself with your head up high.

and I'm still TURNING HEADS regardless because i just made you convert and damn near break yours to look...Admit it, I'm a Mess and THE WORLD IS NOT READY !
MU AH LOVE YA !

Encouraging Word : UNTIL YOU MAKE PEACE WITH WHO YOU ARE, YOU'LL NEVER BE CONTENT WITH WHAT YOU HAVE.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Sasha Is Fierce

hello all, i know it's been awhile since i was last here but I've been doing fine or okay lately. it's coming up on my 6months Band-A-Versary on the 24Th of this month, and hopefully I'm down under the 240 mark. numbers have usually been working well for me so let's hope this one does also. If so i will be doing "The Stanky Leg" all the way to the gym...lol (for those who have not saw this dance please google it. other than that i wanted to touch on the subject of "Things Getting Stuck". CAN WE PLEASE HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE AND TAKE A PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE !!

okay, now returning to our regularly scheduled program...lol let's just say that i have heard many stories about those who have had things get stuck, and have heard all about the pain, remedies, and all that. OMG let me tell you, that is nothing, I MEAN NOTHING until it has happen to you!! when i say Miss Sasha was Fierce Today, she(my band) cut up on me. now we all know that we can't eat and talk at the same time, and i was doing very good with just concentrating on my eating. yes i have had things get stuck before but they worked themselves down and it was not as bad. well today someone (not saying any names) was trying to ask me a question while i was eating. and i guess you pretty much know the rest huh! for those who have not experienced this, well let me tell you. i got this awful stuck feeling, that beating my chest did nothing to so i got up and made my way to the restroom because it quickly had that "it's not going to be okay" type of feeling to the situation. and i know every one's initial reaction to this would be to take a sip of water. but that only applies to people who are not Bandsters, that rule no longer applies to us. it's 1 of the BIGGEST NO, NO EVER !. so to make a long story short it was a Grand Opening and Grand Closing on Lunch in a short period of time. oh yes, no sooner than i made it to the restroom it came up and out. something i was trying to keep low key with and not get anyone alarmed or concerned and trying to clear my airway. that would of been a long reach down..lol imagine that, me trying to shoo them away from me so i can throw up. whew I'd rather not..lmao
and last but not least i wanted to know if anyone have heard of skinnywater ? my friend gurl e-mailed me something on it and it looks interesting enough to try. you can check it our yourself if you'd like @ www.skinnywater.com or let me know if you already have.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Back in Charge

hello all, well i guess I'll do my check in with you all to let you know how I'm doing. I'm not sure what happen with my profile and why my pictures moved all the way to the bottom ??? well anyhow i finally received my 4Th fill yesterday and went to my nutritionist visit today, I'm down another 2(lbs) bringing my total to 37(lbs lost)yahh me. although i wish it could be more,a lot of the blame lies within myself. i try not to complain because it's weight that's not coming back and it is moving in the right direction. i feel i do need to step up my work out and stay with it for longing than 2 weeks, my size 18's are starting to have a little slack in them and i see myself in a size 16 real soon. I'm about 1.9 lbs away from being 240 and with the way this 48hr liquid diet is going hopefully I'll reach it soon. so there are so little victories that I'm celebrating. i recently discovered that i actually have hip bones, i know those darn things were under there some where..lol so I'm back in charge and still On Tour With The Band, coming to a city near you soon so stay tuned.

ENCOURAGING WORD FOR TODAY :
WE MUST ALL SUFFER FROM 1 OF 2 PAINS. THE PAIN OF DISCIPLINE OR THE PAIN OF REGRET. THE DIFFERENCE IS DISCIPLINE WEIGHS ounces, WHILE REGRET WEIGHS tons !!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Who's N Charge Here ?

Hello All, I'm still on Tour with "THE BAND" and i think we are now approaching THE STATE OF SLOW N STEADY. I'm not real sure as to how many days or months we will be here hopefully not too long. tickets are selling out fast and all the shows are just about sold out, meaning i know it's a lot of others out there going through this same type of situation..lol (u follow me)! I did visit with the nutritionist who is soo very helpful and I'm not sure how i would of made it through this far with out her. I'm down another 2lbs( total 35lbs lost) although I'll take that, i would like to be down more after another 1months time. I'm still working out and feel I'm eating the way i should. every time i think it's time for another fill my band tricks me into believing it's not time, i get full off of the smallest amount after I've called in and made the appointment. it's like when something is acting up and you take it to get checked out or fixed and all of a sudden it works perfectly then..lol I'm starting to realize that this darn thing has more moods than i do and I'm not the lead singer in the group anymore, but it is! i do feel like we need to be on the same notes at the same time on the page or else we are going to sound like garbage on stage. we need the right amount of bass,drums,and guitar to have a successful show, and the background singer can't try to do a solo and take the lead spot. just in case i have lost you, what my nutritionist feels is that you have to have the right combination of calories,protein in take,water,etc. in order to continue to lose weight. and maybe I'm not getting in enough protein or water, or may not have fuel in my system before I work out. so i am continuing to try to figure this thing out and work on what ever she points out to me. this is one of the only things in my life that i have started and WILL finish besides a damn plate of food...lol

ENCOURAGING WORD : ID RATHER REACH FOR THE STARS AND LAND ON THE ROOF, THAN TO REACH FOR THE ROOF AND LAND IN THE GARBAGE !

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

4 Month Band Versary

Happy 4th Anniversary Pictures, Images and Photos

The 24Th marked the 4Th month since i had my Lap-Band, I'm getting ready to have my 4Th fill/ adjustment on Monday. i have had some things get stuck recently and that was a very painful experience, but it was my fault for biting off more than i can chew up ! All in all I'm absolutely in love with my Band and would do it all over again in a minute. I'm still going steady with my work out and will have my weights after i weigh in next week. it's so discouraging to get on the scale every time i see one being that my weight changes(to me) a few times through out that week. I'm also thinking about trying out some Slim-Fast and adding that as a variety instead of my protein shakes. The liquid diet is what gave me the most weight loss and i feel the need to return to it somewhat to give me another jump start.

I'm not sure if my blogs are showing up correctly, when i view them i don't see anything on the right side of my page. so if anyone out there reading this still see the pictures on my right side of my page, please let me know ! until then everybody keep up the fight and keep it moving ! HEY IT'S MY SHORTEST BLOG EVER...LOL

ENCOURAGING WORD : SOW SEEDS OF HOPE AND ENJOY OPTIMISM. SOW SEEDS OF DOUBT AND EXPECT INSECURITY.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Beast Within !

Hello my fellow bloggers and blog-gets(is that a word?)it's been awhile since my last posting, so i decided to stop in and let everyone know that I'm still alive out here. nothing much has changed as far as my weight loss, and after that Blue Belle Ice cream incident(pleading the 5Th) I'm glad i haven't gained anything either. I'll take "HOLDING STEADY" until i get it back right. I'm still fighting the "INNER DEMONS" within and trying to stay motivated and focused. I still make FAT GURL choices sometimes and still have some FAT GURL tendencies. I'm still struggling with balance and the entire party/night life, it's been so hard trying to go out to different functions and having to choose if I'm going to drink or eat. Then the FAT GURL side comes over me(not wanting to miss out on anything) and come up with a plan to drink now and take a plate home for later. which usually isn't good because the things on the plate are not the best food choices and the later part is usually in the AM. so yeah I'm still under construction right now, but I'll get there. I'm also getting my MOJO back and have my eyes on someone of the MALE Species...lol but it's way too early to tell how that will play out.

and last but not least i really have a problem with these people on TV selling exercise equipment or workout DVDs. If you want to appeal to the people who need it try to include that type of person in or somewhere around the product. for example : The Zumba Commercial shows nothing but fit women and men with abs already dancing and shaking to the beat. which i feel is false advertisement because anyone my size doing zumba will need a break or the paramedics after 10-15min of doing the work out. plus i want to see if their boobs and flab is all over the place like mine would be...lol okay I'll quit here, and i already know I'm crazy !

ENCOURAGING WORD : DISCOURAGE SOUNDS VERY COLD YET CAN BE A VICTORY WORD IN LIFE. BE DISCOURAGED NOT TO GO BACK TO WHAT HELD YOU DOWN

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Several Sides Of Blame !

The Super Bowl has left the building, but for some reason I'm still in a funk.The Super Bowl was in our City a few days ago and when i say i partied..oh my gosh !But for some reason I've gotten lazy and really need to snap out of it and get back to my regularly scheduled program. I honestly can't blame it on anything or anyone, just plain out being lazy and not motivated right now. if I'm going to fit into a size 10 i really need to step it up and get back on track. at times i find myself still thinking like a big gurl and feel i will always have " The Heart N Soul Of A Big Gurl". i flip back and forth in my mind between the two, i go in the stores and still have the urge to go towards certain foods. it's almost like the electric shock light for the bugs..where going towards the light is really not a good idea but you're drawn to it and it's like an uncontrollable power takes over you. NO EXCUSES it's me, i feel like the Alcoholic that will always have that urge. DAMMIT MAN.. i need a sponsor/ buddy that i can call when i feel myself getting weak, who can talk me out of buying that Delicious Banana Pudding flavored Blue Bell Ice Cream. That always seem to be on sale for $1.99 in the small containers!
UUUUGGGGHHHHH !!! Then the other side snap in when I'm in clothing stores and see all those cute shirts and jeans that I want and I'm only a few sizes away from it. I haven't been on the scale since my last post and don't feel as if I've gained anything but i definitely need to get back in it before i do !
Does Anyone Have Any Jumper Cables ? I need a good jolt of electricity right now!

ENCOURAGING WORD OF THE DAY : EVERY SUCCESSFUL PERSON HAS A PAINFUL STORY. EVERY PAINFUL STORY HAS A SUCCESSFUL ENDING... ACCEPT THE PAIN AND GET READY FOR SUCCESS !

Monday, January 26, 2009

It's Personal, Myself & I ....

it's been a few days since I've post anything i'm still on Tour with The band but have really been in a funk lately. I Had A Lay over between the cold weather and personal issues, I've lost the motivation and haven't worked out or walked in about 1 1/2 weeks. so I'm really stuck in "THE STATE OF GUILT" with no fuel, i tried to get back up and out there Saturday Morning. i got my small back pack on and started on my way with my earphones and pedometer on and ready to go. but as i get down the sidewalk maybe about 10min into my walk i noticed that there are 2 vultures flying around up ahead of me.so now I'm thinking to myself like DAMN i know i have been slacking lately and may have even falling off the"BAND" WAGON, but my gosh did they have to send the Vultures out to come and get me ?? HOLD ON HERE, I'm very much ALIVE and still have a lot of FIGHT left in me! My Gosh This Is Some Bull Ish ..lol but never the less i did complete my 55min walk/jog and feel very confident that I'm still in the game.

The only other thing that i kind of regret now is the constant status report my co-workers want from me. my surgery was not a secret among my co-workers, family or friends, i was very proud and pleased to announce that i had finally took responsibility for my bad habits. and at the same time warning them to look out and get ready because i was getting my "SEXY" back. don't get me wrong i don't mind the questions or them checking up on my progress, but it's when the same person is asking me the same questions every 2 weeks that is annoying to me. I'm hoping that i have inspired someone else to keep up the fight that they are having but it's kind of aggravating because i see them looking into my plate at lunch time, wondering what i am eating and trying to figure out how that amount makes me full. then i have the ones who want me to share the information i get from MY nutritionist visit with them, when my information is based upon my surgery. Then I have the ones who has switched up between several different types of diets (all failed) since I've had my surgery and have now inquired about the left over Opti-Fast i had from my liquid diet. I can only assume they are thinking they will have the same results as myself...uummmm NO !

Oh and i can't leave out the ones who haven't saw me in awhile and know i look FABULOUS but are too jealous(already) to tell me so. This is the thing... i know i have a problem with my weight and i know that diets don't work for me. i know myself well enough not to continue to play around with all these different types of diets and know that surgery was the best option for me. NO i don't have the Gastric-Bypass and will not lose 10lbs a week just from sitting on the couch, i know i have to put work into this. But don't get mad at me because i have found something that will work for me and not only have talked about it but did something about it !!

It's okay because despite all the pressure, whispers and the looks i get there are a few things that will never change and there are a few things that nobody can take from me..
#1 - 279(lbs) is gone FOREVER...ha ha ha

# 2 - how GOOD these Size 18 pants FEEL... ( still stoked) lmao, Nah Bitches !
so yes i still have my bad days like anybody else, but the fight is still in me and it's strong. I'm me and I'm not comparing myself to anyone else, nor will i attach myself to someone else goal or diet plan. This is been about ME from the start so it's only right that i finish it up about ME ! Will i Get Cocky and Confident.. ?? probably so, but i gave a proper warning when i was sipping down Opti-Fast and walking around the building on my breaks...lol

SONG QUOTE FOR NOW : " I Hope You Know, I Hope You Know... That This Has Nothing To Do With You... It's Personal Myself and I. We Got Some Straighten Up To Do...(Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry" )

ENCOURAGING WORD OF THE DAY : EASY IS TO JUDGE THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS, DIFFICULT IS TO RECOGNIZE OUR OWN MISTAKES.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Change Ave

So as i continue on this "Tour With The Band" we are currently in The State Of Change and that's in more ways than one. i mean who would of ever believed that we can have a African American for President? it seemed a dream so far away from current society. I'm very proud to be an American, elated to be an African American and blessed to be alive to see this change take place and feel very inspired to see this Dream Come True. Just Touching, very Touching

ENCOURAGING WORD OR THE DAY : Changing The Face Can "Change" Nothing, But "FACING" The Change Can Change "EVERYTHING".

So i go in for my 3rd fill on Monday and still felt pretty good about my progress but just feel i need to step it up a bit. i received 1.2cc which makes a total of 4.4cc ( i believe), so it's back to 48hrs liquid for me, which makes breakfast and lunch so easy to pack now. it's the afternoons that are so challenging because i really get hungry and the liquids no longer cut it! I'm still down 31(lbs) from last Tuesday and proud i kept that off because the model walks have been hard to get in with the weather(cold) now. All in all I'm satisfied and content with everything still.

ROCKING SIZE 18

Since we are in The State Of Changes i stopped in to the closet of my friend Taega(had Gastric Bypass a few years back)who had tons of clothes for me to go through. and in doing so i have pleasingly discovered that i am now in a size 18 pants...WOW, WOW, WOW. i went from a size 26,24,22 to a size 18. you have no idea how good i feel in the inside right now! talking about a change, now that's a change. so I'm very appreciative of that because they were well needed and will be put in motion soon. and for the clothes that i took that i will fit into later felt weird taking. you always have clothes that you wish you can get back into one day, but to know that you WILL actually get there is weird. another dream come true.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

3, 3, 3

We All Know That Nothing Taste As Good As Thin Feels!
Let Me Repeat That.... NOTHING TASTE AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS!!

Scale Weight Loss Pictures, Images and Photos

Okay so i had my visit with the nutritionist(who is wonderful & FREE) and got the nerve up to get on the scale. After removing shoes,cell phones,spare change in my pocket(i wish my clothes also)i get on the scale and low and behold I'm down another 4lbs.(GO ME)! so now I'm in the office doing the Happy Dance because I've finally PUSHED UNDER 250lbs. and have also lost more inches also.i still need to find ways to get in my protein and may need to just start drinking them in almost everything i have. so right now I'm 248lbs but it's a really weird thing going on with the 3's.. I'm almost 3 month post-op from surgery, I'm coming up on my 3rd Fill, and I've Lost 319lbs)can't forget the 1 in there...and according to The Nutritionist,who I've been seeing since the beginning of last year. she has me at about 2 more inches less than my last apt with her.

* 6-3-08 - 50 1/2" (PRE-OP)

* 12-16-08 - 46 3/4" (POST- OP)

* 1-13-09 - 44 1/2"

So Now I'm down a total of 31(lbs) and have lost around 6" off my waist, and this weekend i will go shopping and find out exactly what size i am really in right now( FOR NOW).

So now i really have the Motivation to keep up the fight and practice my Model Walk on the sidewalk. I was also told that the weight is still okay to do and that it is okay to tone. I'm getting fed so many different thing until I'm getting confused now. I personally think i should walk everyday and walk, and tone 3 times a week. it would bother me if i don't get that part in and i would be very worried about having flab. not that i will be able to eliminate it all but i certainly would like to give it a good try and just deal with what ever is left. so to those who are reading this keep up the fight and keep pushing, even when you think you have stop losing.

ENCOURAGING WORD FOR TODAY : DON'T TELL ME THE SKY IS THE LIMIT, WHEN I KNOW THERE ARE FOOTPRINTS ON THE DAMN MOON !

Weight Loss Support Pictures, Images and Photos

Monday, January 12, 2009

Model Walk

okay so I've decided to step it up and walk my butt off, and try to become dedicated to it in some type of way.I'm going to try and commit to everyday, but if that does not work then it'll be every other day. I'm proud to announce that i even took a break from my Sunday watching of "Lifetime" and did about an hour around the neighborhood with my earphones and my meter on a very cloudy day. I'm also thinking about trying out Zumba either by going to the class or buying the set of DVDs to do at home. it seems as if that will really get the heart going and bring on the sweat! I've also stepped up my water intake and if it was "Drinking Time"(1 hour after meals)i just tried to get in as much water as my stomach will hold, which wasn't much being that i got full off of it! i was even able to fight "Head Hunger"(all in you mind)and decided to only eat when i was hungry and not try to get in 3 meals a day just because they say you should. for me it is better to only eat when i am hungry and drink the other parts of the day, if not I'll end up snacking on something just because. which is kind of weird because sometimes it's not until 2 or 3pm until i get my 1st growl ! my next thing is to get a girdle, which i always thought were mean but now understand the importance of them.
A Girdle + Confidence + Model Walk = FABULOUS !!

I'm not sure about you guys but sometimes i have to psych myself out in order to get things done or to continue to do them. for example : it's better for me to walk on the sidewalk ,because once i get out there i have to keep going if i want to make it back home. verse the treadmill i can stop it anytime i get tired because i feel it was enough after 30min...
I've also been working on some old habits I've noticed i have, one being that i walk with my head down. so while on the sidewalk i try to think of it as my runway and I'm doing my model walk. that way i keep my head up, shoulders back and practice my little swing of the hips also! in a little while i should be a pro, i received 2 honks (horn) from the passing cars so i take that as they approve. after all they are the judges...lol

ENCOURAGING WORD FOR TODAY :THE FUTURE DOESN'T LIE AHEAD OF YOU WAITING TO HAPPEN, IT LIE DEEP INSIDE OF YOU WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED !!

Friday, January 9, 2009

On Tour With The Band

I think the best way to describe This Journey I'm on is just to say that i am "On Tour With The Band" and with that every month that passes by is almost like touring through a different City or State. It has been like an emotional roller coaster at times taking you in different directions and different state of minds and this is really only the beginning of the Tour. Never The Less I Have No regrets i have strapped on my seat belt and prepared to hold on tight for the ride, I'm anxious to see what states i will be visiting this year..

So Far I Have The Following Tour Dates :

* 10-10-08 - State Of Determination,(279lbs) i picked up the Optifast and Celebrated my Birthday That Night!

* 10-24-08 - State Of Anxious ,(268lbs) I've lost 11lbs from the Liquid Diet and feeling more ready than ever to get this done.

* 11-4-08 - State Of Amusement, (257lbs) It's 1 week after Surgery and I'm feeling well with no more pain.

* 11-10-08 - State Of Confidence,(252lbs) I'm Doing Well with the liquids despite some very challenging and ruff days, and just ready for it to be over already! Enough is Enough!

*11-14-08 - State Of Shock, (257lbs) Went to a friends Bar-B-Que and should of brought along my own mushes...WOW ! i know all about moving too fast now, So that's why they have stages huh..lol

* 12-1-08 - State Of Adjustment, (255lbs) I managed to get off two of the 5lbs i gained back and made it through Bandster Hell Okay. Now it's time for my 1st Fill. 1.9cc in my 14cc band.

* 12-16-08 - State Of Nutrition, (252lbs)I have a Visit with the nutritionist at my work place to get some idea on low calorie,low carb foods. some tips on protein and to check out all her free samples...lol

*12-22-08 - State Of Confusion, (253lbs) I'm going in for my 2ND fill and wanted to make sure it was done before Christmas( 3.2cc). but can't figure out what i have been doing wrong and why i haven't lost any more weight lately ??? just when i think I'm learning my band it changes.

* 1-09-09 - The State Of Strength as i go in for my 3rd fill on 1-19-09 and hope that i have lost more weight and hopefully will get down under 250 soon. I've changed up my exercise routine and continue to walk more instead of concentrating on weights to control the flab(UGH). i think i turned fat into muscle and mass weights more, that's just one idea i have but who knows what it could be. i have not been back on the scale due to being afraid of what it will say, i just chose to keep pushing and hope it pays off soon.

So i will continue to Rock On and keep you posted , who knows maybe i will be traveling through a State or City that you are familiar with!

WORD OF THE DAY : You Never Know How Strong Your Are Until Being Strong Is Your Only Option!