It's Personal, Myself & I ....

it's been a few days since I've post anything i'm still on Tour with The band but have really been in a funk lately. I Had A Lay over between the cold weather and personal issues, I've lost the motivation and haven't worked out or walked in about 1 1/2 weeks. so I'm really stuck in "THE STATE OF GUILT" with no fuel, i tried to get back up and out there Saturday Morning. i got my small back pack on and started on my way with my earphones and pedometer on and ready to go. but as i get down the sidewalk maybe about 10min into my walk i noticed that there are 2 vultures flying around up ahead of me.so now I'm thinking to myself like DAMN i know i have been slacking lately and may have even falling off the"BAND" WAGON, but my gosh did they have to send the Vultures out to come and get me ?? HOLD ON HERE, I'm very much ALIVE and still have a lot of FIGHT left in me! My Gosh This Is Some Bull Ish ..lol but never the less i did complete my 55min walk/jog and feel very confident that I'm still in the game.

The only other thing that i kind of regret now is the constant status report my co-workers want from me. my surgery was not a secret among my co-workers, family or friends, i was very proud and pleased to announce that i had finally took responsibility for my bad habits. and at the same time warning them to look out and get ready because i was getting my "SEXY" back. don't get me wrong i don't mind the questions or them checking up on my progress, but it's when the same person is asking me the same questions every 2 weeks that is annoying to me. I'm hoping that i have inspired someone else to keep up the fight that they are having but it's kind of aggravating because i see them looking into my plate at lunch time, wondering what i am eating and trying to figure out how that amount makes me full. then i have the ones who want me to share the information i get from MY nutritionist visit with them, when my information is based upon my surgery. Then I have the ones who has switched up between several different types of diets (all failed) since I've had my surgery and have now inquired about the left over Opti-Fast i had from my liquid diet. I can only assume they are thinking they will have the same results as myself...uummmm NO !

Oh and i can't leave out the ones who haven't saw me in awhile and know i look FABULOUS but are too jealous(already) to tell me so. This is the thing... i know i have a problem with my weight and i know that diets don't work for me. i know myself well enough not to continue to play around with all these different types of diets and know that surgery was the best option for me. NO i don't have the Gastric-Bypass and will not lose 10lbs a week just from sitting on the couch, i know i have to put work into this. But don't get mad at me because i have found something that will work for me and not only have talked about it but did something about it !!

It's okay because despite all the pressure, whispers and the looks i get there are a few things that will never change and there are a few things that nobody can take from me..
#1 - 279(lbs) is gone FOREVER...ha ha ha

# 2 - how GOOD these Size 18 pants FEEL... ( still stoked) lmao, Nah Bitches !
so yes i still have my bad days like anybody else, but the fight is still in me and it's strong. I'm me and I'm not comparing myself to anyone else, nor will i attach myself to someone else goal or diet plan. This is been about ME from the start so it's only right that i finish it up about ME ! Will i Get Cocky and Confident.. ?? probably so, but i gave a proper warning when i was sipping down Opti-Fast and walking around the building on my breaks...lol

SONG QUOTE FOR NOW : " I Hope You Know, I Hope You Know... That This Has Nothing To Do With You... It's Personal Myself and I. We Got Some Straighten Up To Do...(Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry" )

ENCOURAGING WORD OF THE DAY : EASY IS TO JUDGE THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS, DIFFICULT IS TO RECOGNIZE OUR OWN MISTAKES.

Change Ave

So as i continue on this "Tour With The Band" we are currently in The State Of Change and that's in more ways than one. i mean who would of ever believed that we can have a African American for President? it seemed a dream so far away from current society. I'm very proud to be an American, elated to be an African American and blessed to be alive to see this change take place and feel very inspired to see this Dream Come True. Just Touching, very Touching


ENCOURAGING WORD OR THE DAY : Changing The Face Can "Change" Nothing, But "FACING" The Change Can Change "EVERYTHING".



So i go in for my 3rd fill on Monday and still felt pretty good about my progress but just feel i need to step it up a bit. i received 1.2cc which makes a total of 4.4cc ( i believe), so it's back to 48hrs liquid for me, which makes breakfast and lunch so easy to pack now. it's the afternoons that are so challenging because i really get hungry and the liquids no longer cut it! I'm still down 31(lbs) from last Tuesday and proud i kept that off because the model walks have been hard to get in with the weather(cold) now. All in all I'm satisfied and content with everything still.
ROCKING SIZE 18

Since we are in The State Of Changes i stopped in to the closet of my friend Taega(had Gastric Bypass a few years back)who had tons of clothes for me to go through. and in doing so i have pleasingly discovered that i am now in a size 18 pants...WOW, WOW, WOW. i went from a size 26,24,22 to a size 18. you have no idea how good i feel in the inside right now! talking about a change, now that's a change. so I'm very appreciative of that because they were well needed and will be put in motion soon. and for the clothes that i took that i will fit into later felt weird taking. you always have clothes that you wish you can get back into one day, but to know that you WILL actually get there is weird. another dream come true.

3, 3, 3

We All Know That Nothing Taste As Good As Thin Feels!
Let Me Repeat That.... NOTHING TASTE AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS!!



Okay so i had my visit with the nutritionist(who is wonderful & FREE) and got the nerve up to get on the scale. After removing shoes,cell phones,spare change in my pocket(i wish my clothes also)i get on the scale and low and behold I'm down another 4lbs.(GO ME)! so now I'm in the office doing the Happy Dance because I've finally PUSHED UNDER 250lbs. and have also lost more inches also.i still need to find ways to get in my protein and may need to just start drinking them in almost everything i have. so right now I'm 248lbs but it's a really weird thing going on with the 3's.. I'm almost 3 month post-op from surgery, I'm coming up on my 3rd Fill, and I've Lost 319lbs)can't forget the 1 in there...and according to The Nutritionist,who I've been seeing since the beginning of last year. she has me at about 2 more inches less than my last apt with her.

* 6-3-08 - 50 1/2" (PRE-OP)

* 12-16-08 - 46 3/4" (POST- OP)

* 1-13-09 - 44 1/2"

So Now I'm down a total of 31(lbs) and have lost around 6" off my waist, and this weekend i will go shopping and find out exactly what size i am really in right now( FOR NOW).


So now i really have the Motivation to keep up the fight and practice my Model Walk on the sidewalk. I was also told that the weight is still okay to do and that it is okay to tone. I'm getting fed so many different thing until I'm getting confused now. I personally think i should walk everyday and walk, and tone 3 times a week. it would bother me if i don't get that part in and i would be very worried about having flab. not that i will be able to eliminate it all but i certainly would like to give it a good try and just deal with what ever is left. so to those who are reading this keep up the fight and keep pushing, even when you think you have stop losing.


ENCOURAGING WORD FOR TODAY : DON'T TELL ME THE SKY IS THE LIMIT, WHEN I KNOW THERE ARE FOOTPRINTS ON THE DAMN MOON !

Model Walk

okay so I've decided to step it up and walk my butt off, and try to become dedicated to it in some type of way.I'm going to try and commit to everyday, but if that does not work then it'll be every other day. I'm proud to announce that i even took a break from my Sunday watching of "Lifetime" and did about an hour around the neighborhood with my earphones and my meter on a very cloudy day. I'm also thinking about trying out Zumba either by going to the class or buying the set of DVDs to do at home. it seems as if that will really get the heart going and bring on the sweat! I've also stepped up my water intake and if it was "Drinking Time"(1 hour after meals)i just tried to get in as much water as my stomach will hold, which wasn't much being that i got full off of it! i was even able to fight "Head Hunger"(all in you mind)and decided to only eat when i was hungry and not try to get in 3 meals a day just because they say you should. for me it is better to only eat when i am hungry and drink the other parts of the day, if not I'll end up snacking on something just because. which is kind of weird because sometimes it's not until 2 or 3pm until i get my 1st growl ! my next thing is to get a girdle, which i always thought were mean but now understand the importance of them.
A Girdle + Confidence + Model Walk = FABULOUS !!
I'm not sure about you guys but sometimes i have to psych myself out in order to get things done or to continue to do them. for example : it's better for me to walk on the sidewalk ,because once i get out there i have to keep going if i want to make it back home. verse the treadmill i can stop it anytime i get tired because i feel it was enough after 30min...
I've also been working on some old habits I've noticed i have, one being that i walk with my head down. so while on the sidewalk i try to think of it as my runway and I'm doing my model walk. that way i keep my head up, shoulders back and practice my little swing of the hips also! in a little while i should be a pro, i received 2 honks (horn) from the passing cars so i take that as they approve. after all they are the judges...lol



ENCOURAGING WORD FOR TODAY :THE FUTURE DOESN'T LIE AHEAD OF YOU WAITING TO HAPPEN, IT LIE DEEP INSIDE OF YOU WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED !!

On Tour With The Band

I think the best way to describe This Journey I'm on is just to say that i am "On Tour With The Band" and with that every month that passes by is almost like touring through a different City or State. It has been like an emotional roller coaster at times taking you in different directions and different state of minds and this is really only the beginning of the Tour. Never The Less I Have No regrets i have strapped on my seat belt and prepared to hold on tight for the ride, I'm anxious to see what states i will be visiting this year..



So Far I Have The Following Tour Dates :

* 10-10-08 - State Of Determination,(279lbs) i picked up the Optifast and Celebrated my Birthday That Night!

* 10-24-08 - State Of Anxious ,(268lbs) I've lost 11lbs from the Liquid Diet and feeling more ready than ever to get this done.

* 11-4-08 - State Of Amusement, (257lbs) It's 1 week after Surgery and I'm feeling well with no more pain.

* 11-10-08 - State Of Confidence,(252lbs) I'm Doing Well with the liquids despite some very challenging and ruff days, and just ready for it to be over already! Enough is Enough!

*11-14-08 - State Of Shock, (257lbs) Went to a friends Bar-B-Que and should of brought along my own mushes...WOW ! i know all about moving too fast now, So that's why they have stages huh..lol

* 12-1-08 - State Of Adjustment, (255lbs) I managed to get off two of the 5lbs i gained back and made it through Bandster Hell Okay. Now it's time for my 1st Fill. 1.9cc in my 14cc band.

* 12-16-08 - State Of Nutrition, (252lbs)I have a Visit with the nutritionist at my work place to get some idea on low calorie,low carb foods. some tips on protein and to check out all her free samples...lol

*12-22-08 - State Of Confusion, (253lbs) I'm going in for my 2ND fill and wanted to make sure it was done before Christmas( 3.2cc). but can't figure out what i have been doing wrong and why i haven't lost any more weight lately ??? just when i think I'm learning my band it changes.

* 1-09-09 - The State Of Strength as i go in for my 3rd fill on 1-19-09 and hope that i have lost more weight and hopefully will get down under 250 soon. I've changed up my exercise routine and continue to walk more instead of concentrating on weights to control the flab(UGH). i think i turned fat into muscle and mass weights more, that's just one idea i have but who knows what it could be. i have not been back on the scale due to being afraid of what it will say, i just chose to keep pushing and hope it pays off soon.

So i will continue to Rock On and keep you posted , who knows maybe i will be traveling through a State or City that you are familiar with!

WORD OF THE DAY : You Never Know How Strong Your Are Until Being Strong Is Your Only Option!

2 Love Or Not 2 Love

Okay I've been trying so hard to make sure i stay focused on myself and really make it ALL ABOUT ME. but now I'm feeling the urge to get my MO JO back and start back looking for a nice, sexy guy(male species) to be in my life. But the problem with that is that i have a bad habit of #1 choosing the wrong man, i always tried to find someone who would accept me for who i am and now it's also for what I'm going to become!

My EX(last serious relationship) was not very supportive of me losing more than 50lbs and was the main reason i put off the Lap-Band for 3 yrs in the first place. He was also a true fan of Larger Women and accepted me and loved me as long as i was appealing to him.. HEAVY.
Well after gaining back focus of myself i knew we had no future together because i had no control over how much i would lose if i got the Lap-Band and wanted to lose more than 50lbs. So i cut HIS loses and continued on my way, feeling that i had wasted enough time already and it made no sense to be in denial about it any longer. everyone after that was nothing serious...
#2 when i do find someone i tend to slowly lose focus of making it about myself and it turns to being about the other person. not that i should be the Queen Bitch In Charge and it's ME, ME, ME well yeah i take that back it should be..lol but not only that, being that i know how i am i know that my focus, goal and schedule will change and it will end up with me going out more eating out more and less visits to the gym. i guess you can say i don't know how to balance it out as far as my needs and their needs and will be very easily distracted, I am a Quality Time junkie THERE I SAID IT !

Damn it is so much easier being single, you only have to worry about YOU and making sure YOU are Happy. i though about waiting until i get to where i need and want to be before i start searching, that way my goals will already be set in motion and there wouldn't be any distractions. and then there is also that thought of why i just can't find someone now and learn to keep that balance as i continue on my journey ???? so now i think i'm ready again for something serious. maybe about 80% sure, the other 20% is saying wait and enjoy the single life and see if i will be able to handle the new attention i'll be getting from my journey. i definately don't want to get mine or anyone else's feeling tied up if it's just going to be about having fun.


WORDS TO LIVE BY/MY 2009 MOTTO : LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING ON THE STORM TO PASS, ITS' ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN !

A Change Is Coming

Welcome To 2009 everybody, and hopefully it has gotten off to a good start for you. my Holidays were good and I'm hoping The New Year bring great things for me. I didn't make any RESOLUTIONS because i never keep them, and to me they are just as worst as Diets..lol you always mess then up and try to start over the next day. Right now i feel like I'm stuck and my weight lost has either slowed down drastically or came to a complete halt. which means either 1 of 2 things, i need to get my 3rd fill (Jan. 19th) or i need to exercise every day instead of every other day. it's starting to get very frustrating seeing others who have had surgery around the same time as me being at 40lbs lost and I'm stuck at the same 28- 29lbs. Although i know everybody is different and will lose at a different rate I'm ready to be different also. Okay a light bulb has just went off in my head and i also think that i am being too aggressive with the weights at the gym, and from what everybody is telling me I'm turning fat into muscle and mass weigh more. i have a HUGE fear that when i lose the weight my body will not bounce back and i will be left with an entirely different issue with my body. I've been told that i should just walk right now and worry about toning later, but once again i feel the need to be aggressive with it. I appreciate all the positive comments and the "You're doing Good" feed back that i get from all my supporters, but i feel the need to be aggressive with this and not get comfortable and start to relax with it. i think the Slow N Steady has gotten on my nerves and I'm ready for a big change or at least a steady change. so right now things that i plan on changing or implementing into my daily life :

* Always Put My Self First

* Smile More(I'm Always In My Own World Thinking About Something and Seem to Have Weird Face Expressions)

* Keep My Head Up When Walking( i always look down at the ground)

* Go Out More (Can't Find Anyone, If They Don't Know I Exist)

* Maintain A Healthy Balance Between Work And Play

* Just Be A Better Person All Together (I'm Not A Morning Person(UGHH) and Remain Quiet Around People At Work Until After 8am(when my brain is working properly)..lol)

Encouraging Word for Today is : I'D RATHER FAIL IN ORIGINALITY THAN TO SUCCEED IN IMAGINATION. meaning it is what it is and i'd rather FACE the facts and be REAL and ACCEPT things for what they are, instead of trying to FOOL myself for the feeling of COMFORT and not wanting to CONFRONT the issue.